Saturday, August 2, 2014

Cry Baby

Cry Baby
            I’m a crybaby. I cry when I’m sad, when I’m happy, when I’m angry, and when I’m disappointed. I cry when I read a sad book or watch a sad movie. I cry when my husband makes me mad, and I cry at church when the pastor speaks of the grace of God. I cried with the families of my special patients when I worked at hospice… I always said when I couldn't feel empathy any more, then I needed to quit nursing. I cry when my Dad reads the Christmas story, and I cry every time I have a new grandbaby. 
            Yes, I am a crybaby. When I was young, my brothers often called me that. Sometimes I think they did things just to make me cry. They stopped calling me crybaby when I was a teenager and gained a lot of weight. Then they called me Breado, and still do. I know now it’s a term of endearment, but I thought then that they were calling me “bread dough”, and that made me cry too.
            My Momma used to tell me that some of us are just very sensitive and that’s why we cry so much. She said it was okay. The dictionary says it’s simply shedding tears as a response to an emotional state in humans. There is also a very long compex definition of it too. I think it’s interesting that the definition says it only happens to humans, but I recently read an story about an elephant that cried. It was a beautiful story.
            I’ve also read that there are different kinds of tears, the ones I cry when I’m holding a new grandbaby in my arms and the ones I cried when my son died are two different kinds of tears. When analyzed, tears contain different chemicals depending on what it is that makes us cry. Crying is a mechanism for humans to dispose of stress when it gets too high. That’s why a good cry after an argument with my husband always makes me feel better.
            I never saw my Gramma cry and I asked her about it.  She said it was because when her son died, she cried all the tears she had, and there were none left. That was before five more of her nine children died before she did.
            One day when I was in my twenties, I looked in the mirror after a good cry and was horrified. Crying can make a person look ugly. My eyes, nose and lips were red and swollen, and my face looked like some grotesque comic person. I decided I should probably stop crying so much. And I was tired of others thinking of me as a “crybaby”.  I decided right then that I didn’t want to be a crier anymore, so I asked God to take my tears away.
            Oh what misery. When a person who is a crier holds the tears in, a great deal of damage can be done to that person’s emotional well being. Let me clarify. There is a difference in controlling our emotions and suppressing them. Sometimes we have to control them because it’s inappropriate at the time to show them.
            When we actually push our emotions down, there are unhealthy long term consequences. At some point they will come out in inappropriate behaviors. or we simply try to get rid of them by using substances like drugs and alcohol.
            If you are a crier like me and think you don’t want to be anymore, let me tell you what will happen. All those emotions you one time expressed by crying will now be expressed in more inappropriate ways; especially if it’s a negative feeling.  Instead of crying when you fight with your husband, you throw a sugar bowl at him. (at least it was something sweet). Instead of crying when you are overwhelmed by responsibilities, you get in your car and leave your children behind so you won’t lash out at them. When you come back, they are crying because they thought you were gone forever.
            And if your son dies and you don’t cry, you will suffer from deep depression and anxiety down the road.
            So, I asked God to give my tears back to me. Yes, after I cry I still look horrible on the outside, but it is a small price to pay because I feel cleansed on the inside.
            I recently read that after you die, you can have a tree planted in your ashes if you decide to be cremated. I was talking to my daughter about that and told her I thought I’d like to become a tree after I died, but didn’t know what kind of tree I should be. She suggested I become a weeping willow. I thought that was so funny, I laughed till I cried.   

© 2014 B.J. Young


Monday, July 7, 2014

My Wish for my Grandchildren

Growing up, I was told I should marry a man who was #1 a good Christian, #2 a hard worker, and #3 someone who came from a good solid family. Those were excellent qualities to look for in a partner. But now that I've been married for 42 years, I recognize that there are other qualities that are just as important. Some would say these are just the frosting on the good solid cake, and frosting is not needed. But, I have to be honest, I don't want cake without frosting. So I'm wishing that all of my grandkids find these qualities in their future mates.  
These six kids and their 3 older cousins deserve the best!

Friday, July 4, 2014

Backyard Beauty

What a gorgeous Independence Day! The sky is a cloudless blue and the air is the perfect temperature. There's a gentle, cool breeze blowing the flag on the pole behind the pond.

We've had just enough rain to keep the grass green, the garden growing and my flowers blooming. (yes that is a tomato plant in the middle of my flowers. I put it there to add a little green filler and now its crowding out the flowers. But it has blooms on it, so I guess I'll leave it. Nothing like walking out the back door to pick a fresh tomato!)

As I sat outside this morning and looked around me, my heart was at peace. The sound of the dozen song birds as they fluttered around the finch feeders, and the hum of the hummingbird wings was music to my ears.

Then, as if I needed icing on my cake, I noticed that the bluebirds were back and making another nest in their box. Their first brood just fledged a week ago.

I went to get the camera to see if I could capture the beauty of this morning and when I turned it on I was reminded that my backyard has been full of my blessings all week.
And I knew in my heart...there is no place I'd rather be than right here in my backyard.

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

Looking West, I Feel its Pull

Sunrise...Sunset. Beginning...End. Birth...Death

Maumee Bay State Park

For several years I could stand in my backyard, watch the sun set,
and feel it pulling at me. 
Then, about four months ago, it stopped.
Three days ago I stood in this spot at sunset and the feeling returned.
This time the pull was strong, almost overpowering.
And I wondered what had changed.

Friday, June 20, 2014

God? Are You There? I Want You to Write My Story too.

Have you ever known someone who did exactly what this song tells us to do? I have, and what God wrote on the pages of their life taught me, and others, so much. Their book will remain long after they are gone.

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

An Achey Heart

In the quiet hours of this morning, I've pondered this quote from an expert on death.
Because I've had my share of grief, I know there is truth here,
but the expert forgets to mention that even when you are "whole again", the heart still aches.

Sunday, June 8, 2014

Baby Blubirds 2014


Six youngest grandbabies bonding with the baby bluebirds.

Thursday, June 5, 2014

Magnificent End to a God Sent, Garden Soaking, Rainy Day

One of the reasons I love going to Florida, Gulf coast, is just to see the sunsets. But, truth be told, this one, only 30 miles from home, was just as spectacular. Even the geese lined up to watch!

Wednesday, June 4, 2014

Where I Am

  As I look out the window of my camper, I see the sun shining brightly in the Western sky making long shadows of the trees. That’s not out of the ordinary, but there’s also a fairly heavy rain falling from clouds directly overhead. The sun is shining and it’s raining. I tried to take a picture, but it was impossible to capture the beauty of it.  
                Reminds me of life right now. I feel like there’s a dark threatening cloud hanging over my head, but fortunately, I can still see the sun. That gives me hope, until I think about the possibility of the cloud moving over the sun. But I know, even if that happens, the sun will still shine, it always does,without fail. And clouds are always transient. I will try to hang on to that bit of information as I go through this difficult time in my life. I wish I could share why it’s difficult, but I really feel like no one would understand, or maybe even care.
                If you’re following my blog, you know that I have been in partial seclusion for several days. My plan was to be this way for several more days, but life calls and I go back to reality on Thursday afternoon. I was hoping, while I was here, that God would help me as I go through a difficult transition in life. I have felt His presence, but it seems like he is going to make me work this one out by myself. I really don’t feel like I’m anymore “settled” now than I was. Maybe I never will be.
                Settled or not though, life goes on. Every day (except this rainy one), I've done a lot of walking and been able to soak in the beauty of this place. I've also sat in a chair and looked at the field across the road. I have literally, been watching corn grow. The first day, it was barely out of the ground.  It must be a good 4 inches high now. After the rain today, I imagine it will grow even faster.
                To some people, watching corn grow would be a waste of time. To me it has been comforting. It makes me see that even when I feel like my life has come to a screeching halt, the world around me goes on…uninterrupted. And I'm glad it does. How horrible if the whole world would stop when I do. And after today, I am reminded, that wherever I am,  the sun will still shine even when there are clouds and rain.


Saturday, May 31, 2014

Not Your Average Bear…I Mean Walker

            Do you remember when Yogi Bear used to say “I'm smarter than the av-er-age bear!” ?  I know…that ages me. My grandkids don’t know who Yogi Bear is and my girls probably don’t either. Anyways, I thought about him this morning when I was walking. I’m still in my self imposed solitude at a campground and I love walking the park in the mornings.
            Since I’ve been here, I’ve tried to turn my brain off when I walk so I can meditate (let God talk to me). I’ve been fairly successful, until this morning. The campground is full for the weekend and there are a lot of other people here. As I walked, I noticed that the other walkers were not like me. They were either walking with another one or two people or they had their music piped into their ears. That’s what made me thing about Yogi, he wasn’t your average bear and I’m not your average walker because I like to do my walking alone and without interference.
            If I had been walking and talking with some else this morning, or listening to music, I would have missed what God wanted me to see and hear and smell and feel and touch.
            I would have missed the sounds of the birds chirping and cawing. I would not have heard the wind in the trees, and I would not have heard the soft splash as a fish jumped in the water. I would have totally missed that moment of silence when I was alone at the edge of the creek.
            I probably would not have noticed how blue the water looked, how green the trees were or how fast a squirrel can scurry. I would have totally missed what I think was a blue heron as it stood regally in the waters. I probably would not have stopped to watch a momma goose and her little ones as they walked silently at the shore line. I would not have thought about how my own children, like the baby geese, used to follow me so closely when they were little. That was a memory I needed.
            I would not have noticed the warmth of the sun on my shoulders or felt the wind in my face.
            The intoxicating smell of the honeysuckle would not have stopped me in my tracks and made me go closer to them. I would not have reached out and pulled a blossom loose and touched it to my tongue.
            Yes, I may have missed the company of a friend or missed the sound of a beautiful Christian song…but there is a time and a place for everything. Today, it was my day to listen to the voice of God and sense His presence all around me.
            And I was glad that I’m not your average walker.   


Tuesday, May 27, 2014


But Empty at 7:07 PM


This Morning's Walk

And God saw every thing that he had made, and behold it was very good.

Just 24 Hours

It’s 11a.m. on May 27, 2014. I was born 22,705 days ago. That’s 544,896+ hours ago.  Sitting here this morning, I’m wondering… what have I done with all those hours?

I’ve probably slept away at least a third of them, more when I was younger and less the older I get. That’s about 181,700 of those total hours. Because I enjoy eating, I’ve probably spent 2 hours a day doing that, so there just went another 45,000 hours.  Now I’m down to a little over 318,000 hours left to account for. If I had the time and the energy, I could go on and speculate about how many of those hours I’ve played, worked, studied and day-dreamed. I wonder, how many were productive and how many were wasted?

 I’ve read different theories about the number of emotions a person experiences in a life time. One theory says there are eight primary ones, joy, trust, fear, surprise, sadness, disgust, anger and anticipation. And there are more…love, shame, kindness, pity, envy, and the list goes on. In my 544,896+ hours, I know I’ve experience all of them.

But, sitting here this morning, I recognize that although I am who I am today, because of my experiences of the past, what I need to do is look forward. Although I can’t account for every hour of the past 544,896+ of my life, I can start this moment and make sure the next 24 hours are ones I have used well. Although I have plans for most of the next 24 hours, I’ve discovered that plans don’t always work out. I even have dreams for some of the next 24 hours. But like plans, dreams sometimes don’t always work out either. But at the end of the day, I think I’ll still be glad I had those dreams…they gave me something to look forward to.

I wonder who I’ll come in contact with in the next 24 hours?  Because I’ve chosen to live the next several days in solitude, I don’t plan on seeing or speaking to anyone, but I still wonder if my path will intersected the path of someone else? Maybe it will be someone I can help. Or someone whose company I can enjoy? Or maybe it will be someone whose path I will never cross again and we’ll leave each other changed people. Perhaps I’ll have the pleasure of expectantly seeing an old friend.

I wonder what emotions I’ll feel in the next 24 hours. Will I feel joy, grief and love? I know for certain that I look forward to all of them with anticipation. I want to experience whatever God has planned for me in the next 24 hours. And when I sit here tomorrow at this time, I want to know that the hours behind me were the best they could have been.

Twenty four hours from now…I want to be a better person.

Monday, May 26, 2014


The quality or state of being calm and peaceful, free from disturbance or can also be called serenity, peacefulness, quietude.  I've been told that I owe it to everyone I love (including myself) to find pockets of tranquility in my busy world.

Henry David Thoreau, a nature-lover and philosopher, retreated to an isolated cabin on Walden Pond for two years. Most people in our busy world don't understand how or why someone would do that. In fact, the very thought of even one week of isolation would be frightening or boring to most people. But Henry wrote this:

“I went to the woods because I wanted to live deliberately, I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life, To put to rout all that was not life and not when I had come to die, discover that I had not lived.”

Not everyone has to isolate themselves for two years to make the discoveries Thoreau made, but I personally need to carve out some time occasionally to get away like he did. I'm fortunate that I can do it at this time in my life. (There are benefits to retirement and having a husband who has so many hobbies  he won't miss me) My life has been a very busy one with a large extended family, four kids and now nine grandkids. Times of solitude in the past have been few and far between. But now I can finally find those pockets of tranquility in my life and I'm going to do it. I figure, if Jesus needed time away from other people and the things of the world, why wouldn't I or anyone else need it?
With all of that in mind, I'm excited that tomorrow morning I will be packing up and going away for two weeks. I won't be going far from home, but I will be alone for thirteen days and nights. I'm going to get away from the to-do lists (that I rarely do so I often feel guilty), I'm going to leave my phone on, but I'm not going to answer it. (I'll tell those I love that they can leave a message in case there's an emergency), and I'm going to keep my computer closed unless I have something to write.
I'm going to be in a quiet, tranquil place out in nature where I can just sit and do nothing, or I can take long walks and just think. Or maybe I'll put my brain in neutral and not think. I'll meditate instead. And yes, there is a difference between those two. For me, meditation is a sense of total relaxation and calm. A time to let the universe "speak" to me. Thinking, for me, is generally a waste of time and energy, since life offers so many distractions, I can't ever seem to "think straight". 
To some, my plans for the next two weeks may sound boring, but I read once that "boredom is the feeling that everything is a waste of time, serenity, that nothing is." I'm pretty sure I'll feel serene, not bored.
For now, I need to put my computer away and pack enough "necessities of life" to get me through the next two weeks. My Bible, a couple new books, and some nutritious food that I enjoy. I will also need my walking shoe and bug spray. I wonder what Thoreau did without bug spray?

Saturday, May 24, 2014

Fear Not Tomorrow

It's been another troubling week. There hasn't been a day when my heart hasn't felt heavy about something. I look around our world and I see so many bad things happening, and I worry. I worry about my grandkids and the evil world they have to grow up in. I wonder if they will grow up unharmed by evilness.

I've also felt burdened because of all those I love who are hurting. I know when you love others, you're going to hurt when they hurt. And right now I have a lot of hurting people in my life. I try to give them and their pain to Jesus, but it's difficult when you were made to be a nurturer and a fixer.

When I woke up this morning, it was so beautiful and I decided I would give myself a break by going for a  long walk. I also decided to try to focus only on the blessings that are mine and to be thankful for them, instead of focusing on my worries. It was a perfect day for walking. The sky was blue and there was a slight cool breeze. As I walked, I felt some of the heaviness lift from my heart.

By the time I got back home, I didn't want to let go of the joy I felt, so I went to the back yard. Right now it's a haven for beautiful birds...another of my blessings. I saw the bluebirds leave their box and the nest they made on Mother's Day weekend.

(The grandkids had to inspect the nest after it was built to make sure it was an appropriate home for babies!)

Today I peeked, and there are 5 beautiful blue eggs in the nest. I can't wait till the kids see those!

Not wanting to leave the beauty of God's great playground for birds, babies and gramma's, I sat for awhile on the deck. That's when I noticed something I'd not seen in my back yard before. A pair of purple martins were making a nest in the gourd birdhouse that my granddaughters gave me two years ago for my birthday!
Those three girls are going to love that!

Then, just as the sun went under a fluffy white cloud, a beautiful yellow finch landed on the finch feeder.

 As I watched the birds this morning I felt comforted by the knowledge that if God cares for them, how much more He must care for those I love who are hurting. And I know that I need to give them and all my fears to the One who holds our futures in the palm of His hands.


Thursday, May 22, 2014

Sweet Potatoes and Toe Jam

I love good food. I always have, probably always will. My preference is anything sweet, with ice cream being at the top of my list, followed by Ghirardelli chocolate caramel squares. Unfortunately, as I age, I notice that all foods that contain carbohydrates tend to go right to my middle so I try to limit my favorites as much as possible. I get terribly uncomfortable when my pants get tight...and I refuse to buy a bigger size. Although, another homemade banana split like this would make me forget the tight pants.
I would imagine if you asked a hundred people what their favorite food is, you would come up with close to a hundred different answers. And then there are those people you don't have to ask, you can just tell by the expressions on their faces when they are eating that they are enjoying the experience.
I had the privilege today of feeding sweet potatoes to my six month old granddaughter, Naomi. You could tell she was loving them by how big she opened her mouth and the sparkle in her eyes. Then she surprised me. I stopped feeding her for a few seconds to talk to her brother, and when I turned my attention back to her, she had her toes in her mouth. Sweet potatoes and toe jam...a new combination! Most of us aren't going to be able to try that though because we can no longer get our toes to our mouths!
Not only did Gramma have to wash Naomi's face, I had to wash her feet too. I did think about leaving the sweet potatoes between her toes in case she got hungry during the night... poor malnutritioned baby!  

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Thinking about Human Love Today

 Think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.
-Kahlil Gibran from The Prophet

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

To Where You Are


Intergenerational Communication

I've read that there's a problem with communication between the generations. This picture tells me there isn't. There's a 79 year age gap between the two in the picture and I can tell you for a fact that they communicate quite well.
My youngest daughter and her family live just a half mile from my dad.  Yesterday, I went to my daughter's house to babysit for four year old Natalie while her momma took her baby sister to the doctor for a well baby check up. I asked Natalie if she would like to take a walk with me  to her Great grandpa "Susu's" house. Well, of course she did. He is one of her favorite people and the feeling is mutual.
Before we left her house, she decided to wear her bunny ears "cause it will make him laugh". As we walked, we discussed a number of subjects, including what her Papa Susu would be doing on such a beautiful spring day. I told Natalie I thought he would be in the garden because that's where he loves to be.
The discussion included the fact that Papa get's mad at rabbits who gets in his garden and eats his
produce. Natalie assured me that she wasn't a real rabbit, she was just a girl with pretend rabbit ears.
When we arrived at our destination, we didn't even knock on the front door. We just went straight to the back yard and down the hill where Grandpa's garden is. And yes, that's where he was. He was so intent on planting his pepper plants that he didn't even hear us. Bunny Natalie was ecstatic that she "surprised" him. What followed was a fascinating conversation about what was in the garden and how much Natalie, like bunnies, loved peppers. I just stood back and treasured the moment.
It was a moment in which I was grateful that my 83 year old dad can still plant and care for a huge garden. And I was happy that in an age of instant entertainment for children, my granddaughter and my dad weren't talking about cartoons or princesses, they were talking about something that was "real" 
I'm going to get a copy of this picture for Natalie so she will always be reminded of the moment she had with a truly amazing Grandpa.


Monday, May 19, 2014

To Transiton

To transition means to change, to evolve, to convert, to shift, to move, to alter, and to modify.
I've done a lot of transitioning in my life. Most of those transitions were ones I wanted, a few were forced on me. Almost all of them were good, but a handful made a negative impact on my life. Fortunately, I was able to adjust my life to them and go on.
I'm going through a transition in my life now. And I'm not feeling real good about it. It makes me wake up in the middle of the night with an empty ache inside me. It hangs over me all day like a dark cloud. I guess, because most of my days are no longer filled with rewarding work and people I enjoy being with,  this particular transition is one I'm going through alone. Yes, there are friends and family who would help if they could, but they can't, so I don't bother them with the details. This is the one transition in life I must go through alone.
And then I'm reminded...because I'm a child of God, I am never totally alone. And I breathe a prayer of thanksgiving that I am His.